The most retarded Christmas ever
by IceCrome
Summary: Say goodbye to your brain cells, kiddies. The title isn't kidding.


_Ice:…_

_Um…_

_Seriously…This isn't even a story._

_Characters © Ohba and Obata_

_L moment © GejiMayo_

_Yagami moment © Team Dattebayo _

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"Matt…" Mello looked at his cohort. "What the hell are you doing?" Matt took out a cigarette from his front pocket.

"Why? What'sa matter?" Mello gave him an odd look.

"You look so…Christmas…." Indeed he did. Instead of wearing his usual tan jacket and striped undershirt, the red-head had on a green turtleneck and a frilly red vest.

…Yeah.

"And your point is…? It's just around the corner, Mello. The tree was put up two weeks ago." Surprised, the androgynous boy reeled in shock.

"Whoa, really?"

"…Yes, Mello. You were _there_ helping _us_." Matt blew a puff of smoke out.

"Us as in whom?"

"Near, L and myself. Not including you."

"…How the hell do I not remember?" Matt covered his head in his hands.

"It's because you fail, Mello." Matt walked away to go wrap some more presents. Mello yelled angrily at the boy.

"Hey! I don't fail you cheap bastard!"

-Meanwhile…-

"Near." Matt walked up to the younger boy, who instantly noticed his…um…_style of choice._

Yeah.

Deciding to ignore the incredible eyesore, the _near_-albino boy (total PUNage) decided against asking.

"What do you want?"

"Completley irrelevant to the plot, I would like to ask, do you know how L became and orphan? Because I swear to god I thought he had parents." Near made a retarded face and pointed in that air.

"In fact, dear smoker, I do somehow!"

"…did you just go OOC?"

"Yes!"

"Is there even a _plot_?" Matt asked.

"No!"

"…oh well." Matt sat down in front of Near, who was in front of a fireplace. Mello saw the weird scene, decided what the hell, and joined them.

"Well, it was about three weeks before Christmas, and Watari's 'genius senses' were going off. So, he went to L's house, which he somehow knew where it was located and where in the house L was at."

"That…doesn't make any sense."

"Indeed it does not."

"…Just continue…" Matt took out another cigarette.

"Well, anyway, after Watari found L, he went up to his window."

_Flasssshback---!_

"Hey, you look like a pretty smart kid! Want to join my orphanage?" L ate the remains of his cake.

"But…But I'm not an orphan." Watari took out a gun.

"Hm, yes…We'll fix that."

**BANG, BANG, BANG!**

L stared, horrified at what he knew just happened. Before he could react, a brown burlap sack was thrust over his head.

"HMMMMPHH! PHHMMHP!" L shouted, unheard. Watari yelled loudly.

"START THE CAR!"  
-_Non-flashbaaaack!----!_

"And then I think he was drugged or something, I don't know." Near smiled like pedophile. Meanwhile, a conveniently place L walked by casually.

"…mommy? Daddy?" Immediately, the insomniac boy went into the fetal position and cried for a while.

"Nice job, Near." Mello said, smirking in victory.

"Screw you she-male."

-Meanwhile, at a very uncomfortable and OOC Yagami household…

"Hi honey!" Saichiko said to her husband.

"I want a divorce." Soichiro made his way to a chair and sat down.

"Hey dad, long day at the office?" Light asked his father.

"I told you I'm not your dad. Blame your mother for being a whore." Light and Soichiro made their way to the table.

"Mm! This is great Turkey mom! What do you think, daddy?" Sayu said, taking a bite of the turkey.

"Are you all retarded? You know this isn't turkey."

"Oh honey, don't be silly!" Saichiko said.

"I thought I told you not to **speak** at the table!" Soichiro slapped Saichiko.

"Ooww!"

"Whoa, way to go dad!" Light said. His father got up from his seat.

"I'm leaving." He stomped out the door. "Merry Christmas." After the 'incident', Light made his way up to his room, where Ryuk was sitting on his bed.

"Dude, no wonder you have so many problems." Ryuk said, while Light laughed creepily.

"W-What problems?"

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"I'M NOT A GIRL YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" Matt stared in disbelief.

"Really? Wow…" Matt handed a randomly appearing Matsuda five dollars.

"Here ya go. Just like I promise."

"See! I TOLD you he was a guy." Matt took out another cigarette.

"Hm. Well at least he isn't as androgynous as Ryan Seacrest…" Mello stopped strangling Near to wipe his forehead quickly.

"Seriously. We dodged a bullet there. Stupid pussy…"

"ANYWAY…" Near said, desperately reaching for air. "Open up the presents!"

"But it's a week before Christmas…"

"I SAID OPEN THEM UP."

"Alright, Alright…Jeez." Mello skipped gaily over to his presents and opened them.

"…Socks…?" He held up the new pair of socks. He opened up his next present.

"Baggy pants?" Matt leaned over to him.

"Take the hint." Mello snarled at Matt.

"Just because I look hot in my tight leather pants doesn't mean that you have to be so jealous."

"Mello, we're not jealous." Near said, playing with his hair. "It's just distracting. Your ass is just…there. It's hard not to look." Mello stared at him.

"You stare at my _ass_?" Near sighed.

"Did you listen to the last few sentences I just said?"

"Hi! I'm Mello!" The extremely-short attention span that is Mello said. Near buried his face in his hands.

"Dear god…"

"…Nicotine patches? Oh hell no!" Matt threw the patches up in the air, and shot them three times with his trusty gun, a.k.a, 'Gunny the Gun.'

Mello secretly died a little on the inside every time that name was mentioned.

Hell, at least his had a manly name! 'Sirius'. Hells yeah.

And no, he did not have a secret _Harry Potter_ fandom.

After Mello's train of thought went awry, Matt and Near continued opening their presents.

"Lololol! Optimus Prime!-:D." Near flailed his arms OOCly and hugged Optimus Prime. Matt and Mello-the sane ones, simply watched the cataclysmic event unfold.

Near had eaten sugar. Dammit.

"Well mysterious voice, it's either that or the fact that he read any of _IceCrome's_ stories and went into a seizure from the lack of humor, plot, character development, lack of In-Character-Characters, and" Mello said, matter-of-factly.

"I'm guessing the latter." Matt nodded.

"I agree."

"So, uh…" Mello shrugged. "Wanna get high?"

"DRUGS ARE FOR THUGS, MELLO." Matt repeated like a PSA announcement/after school special.

"Jesus, never mind then." Matt put his hands in his pocket and started to walk away.

"Besides, I've got to do some internet research."

"On what, may I ask Matt?"

"How you and L seemingly eat calorie-induced goodness _every. Gawdammed. Day. _And still manage to not have diabetes. It's insane!"

"…Well…yeah…" And lo, Matt walked off in his 'more ways than one' gay outfit.

"So…" Mello said, being the only one there left with his sanity in tact. "We should probably end this."

"Well…um…Happy Holidays." He waved nervously. And then everybody danced.

Because, after all, dancing at the end of the story means I have completely run out of ideas.

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_Ice: I'm really…really sorry for this poor excuse of a story. Truly._

_So, um, if you still have some brain cells left, R&R please. And don't flame me to tell me the story sucks. I already know that._


End file.
